Ask Saeedi: Should I? Would he?

Ashgabat, 23 August 2008 (nCa) --- There are a dozen or so letters from girls in several countries, including E.S in Almaty, M.B in Tashkent and G.F. in Baku.

They are asking: He wants to go all the way but I am worried. Will he marry me?

This is one of the most frequent subjects in the letters I receive.

You are faced with a situation that needs quick and correct decision. Whatever you do today, will stay with you for the rest of your life.

The first thing to understand is that at this stage in the relationship, love and respect are synonymous. If there is no respect, there is no love; it is most likely a wave of lust that would eventually pass, leaving both of you drenched in regret.

If he says he respects you but doesn’t ‘demonstrate’ it, something is missing. I am saying ‘demonstrate’ to emphasize the point. If he says that he respects you but it doesn’t show anywhere, it is empty talk.

How do you find whether he respects you?

There is no instrument to measure the level of respect one has for you, but the simple test is: Does he respect your body?

This is the only body you have for the whole of your life and you have the right to demand that everyone, including your future husband, treat it with respect.

Does he hug you too hard even though you have complained earlier that it hurts? Does he try to fondle in those places every time you two are alone? Does he force a kiss on you although you have said that you are not in the mood? What is the proportion of attention he assigns to your eyes and your breasts?

These are some of the questions that should tell whether he respects you.

Holding the car and restaurant doors open for you, spreading the umbrella over your head and passing the shashlyk first to you are not necessarily the signs of respect. This is learned behaviour, and its origin may or may not be that deep fountain inside one’s soul that gives out a blended, beautiful stream of love and respect.

The next thing to look at is, what do you two talk about when together?

What else do you discuss besides cool websites, fancy ringtones and celebrity gossip?

If a significant part of the conversation is not related to how the two of you are going to live together, start a family, raise the children and everything else that goes with the married life, his nesting instinct has probably not kicked in as yet.

Understandably, you could be tempted to overlook some of his faults in the hope that you can somehow change him once the two of you are married. If this is the case, it is a lost bet. If he is capable of changing, it should come at this stage, not later.

While making the big decision, trust your intuition. Listen to the alarm bell ringing inside you.

And, confide in your mother. Even though, as some you have put it, she could be ‘extremely unreasonable’, ‘hopelessly out of touch’, or ‘too rigid’, she knows best. Believe me, your mother is your best friend.

Ideal situations and ideal life partners are extremely rare in real life but that is no reason to swallow a fly with open eyes.

Before doing anything, ask yourself: Will I be able to look in the mirror tomorrow and still respect myself?

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As usual, you can write to me at webmaster@newscentralasia.net